Or perhaps its the depravity of my heart that makes me feel this way.
Today began with me joining up with some men from a local church that one of my co-workers goes to. He invited me. The breakfast was good, the fellowship uplifting, and the Word was brought in a big way!
Sidenote - I have had basically zero fellowship with the Body of Christ Jesus since moving here, mainly for reasons out of my control (hurricane one week, 1/2 marathon blocking the street week two). So this hour or two was more than past due. It seemed to me to be a bit of a small taste of a land flowing with milk and honey. It was sweet. It was thirst quenching, life-giving, and inspiring. Further, it was re-enlightening as to why we - the Body, the Bride of Jesus our Lord and Savior - have each other; why the Body exists! Ultimately, we exist to give glory to our heavenly Father who is worthy of our praise. Second, the Church exists to make us useful for the sake of Christ. Alone, I flounder, struggle, and eventually wind up stagnant. That is why we need the Church.
Back on topic - why some days seems deceitful...
That breakfast set the tone for my day. Most of it, until one particular moment. Circumstances do not really matter - as much as I'd like to gripe and complain about them - its not good, or worth it. But due to certain circumstances I was unable to watch the 2nd half of the Auburn game ... and was in fact interrupted early through the 2nd quarter. Well, I was in a terror trying to find a place to watch the game. I had by this time already been sucked deep into the grip of SEC and more importantly Auburn football.
The interruption basically let loose from inside of me, a side of me I despise. And there it is ... the day is not so deceitful as my heart is. For my heart can rejoice and be jubilant in the Good News of Jesus one hour (one moment) and turn right back around and curse the ground, the air, whatever is nearest because I cannot watch some precious game. I can wake up and feel the weekend freedom and infinitely more the freedom in the Gospel; and then reject it all to be accosted by my own self-involvement.
In that little instance, my whole day changed. MY plans were interrupted. Bam. Done. I was pissed and remained that way for a long time. Talk about living in the flesh, sometimes it would seem the old man is alive and well, and not so old.
And even now as I sit here, that one instance is still not out of my mind, far from it. My perspective on it is increasingly right, but I am still battling my feeling of embitterment. Still battling the disrespectful comments running through my mind. Still praying for grace to choose forgiveness, to choose mercy and grace in light of grace and mercy bestowed. Its actually amazing.
As you might imagine, I do not feel like a million bucks right now. Far from it. I feel like a failure, and my pride is hurt by my own failure to keep up with my own expectations of myself, as if I am not as in desperate need of the Gospel as I actually am.
So, I am going back to this morning in my mind, in my heart, and in the Word. Colossians baby! ... What matters? A fleeting football game some kids are playing ... or this, "HE is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by HIM all thing were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities-all things were created through HIM and for HIM. And HE is before all things, and in HIM all things hold together. And HE is the head of the body, the church. HE is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in everything HE might be preeminent. For in HIM all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through HIM to reconcile to HIMSELF all things whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of HIS cross." (Col 1:15-20).
I am going to say #2 matters more, and most. That's where I must find myself...at the cross with all my nothingness to offer, with open arms to accept the everything HE gives.
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