Recently I have repeatedly stated, "The last two years have been [some of] the hardest years of my life spiritually..." And to some extent its exactly true. Difficult times always appear to be worse than they truly are while in the midst of them. On the other side, we look back and think, "Wow, that was hard, but this side is SO worth it." I am not there yet, but feel as I am moving quickly that direction.
Through a number of events, I yielded to complacency, an undisciplined lifestyle, and to a general sense of spiritual apathy. These things all combined together are a severe blow to anyone's spiritual life. Add the stress of some intense schooling and living abroad for a bit, and it was intensified ... heaped on and on. My decision making process metamorphosed into one by which all decisions were made for comfort sake, for ease sake. In a sense, to sooth the stress and help me to forget the burden of my own willful neglect of eternity, of others, and of the Lord. I am not saying that I turned my back on God - not entirely. I kept a distant and cautious relationship going. I said to God via action, "I will turn to you when I do not know what else to do, or where else to turn. I will turn to you when things get bad enough." That is a bold attitude to have. Consider, this is the God of creation, who by nature of being Creator, has all prerogatives to my soul, my life. And even in this, He remains faithful.
Side Note: I can only imagine the "big picture" of my life, of eternity (& the blip my life would be in that span) that God knows and constantly sees. I wonder if by knowing that its a season, that He is gracious and merciful to allow it to continue?
My last year and half at Auburn was hard. By the nature of the work I was doing, I found myself completely distanced from close community and for that matter, any degree of involvement at church. If anyone is to be at fault here, its me, recalling my decision making abilities during this time. On top of that, I fed myself whatever I wanted - food and metaphorically as well. In the physical sense, my decisions showed themselves harmful after a visit to an endocrinologist (a diabetes doctor). Some of the various levels concerning diabetes were monstrously out of control, in direct correlation to my decision making inability!
Spiritually? I have been reaping the consequences of these decision for a long time. And I know the cold hard truth of the matter is, quite frankly, there are more consequences to experience, as there always is with sin. I am not talking about punishment because, GLORY BE TO GOD IN CHRIST, in Jesus my punishment has been removed, poured out on Christ is His utter beauty and perfection! I cannot thank Him enough for what He has done in my heart. But consequences, they remain, as the natural outworking of choices. You make good choices and bad ones. I make good choices and bad ones. God says, "Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up" (Gal 6:7-9). Point is, we will reap the consequences of our choices. If good, then good. If bad, then bad and harmful workings will come from it. God has spoken, and this is what happens. I can attest. There is no good that comes from neglecting so high a calling as the one to be an adopted child of God is! For so long, on a continual basis, I did that very thing, to my shame and dismay, and more than all this it stole God's due glory and honor.
But recently, within the last two months, my soul seems to have come alive, to have been revived with the Great Physician's medicines of love, grace, and mercy. O how I have tasted of the deep wells of unending love, and unwavering grace, and unmerited mercy! He has heard my pleas for mercy, for renewal, for revival, and repentance. Granted, all is not yet worked through completely, but its progressing. This cold heart of mine is beginning to come alive again, to soften and take shape as God molds it with His hands.
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