Bad Enough

The thought, "When its bad enough, you believe," has rooted itself in my mind and heart today. I will spare the details, but basically it comes from observing blatant sin being ramped in my heart, mind, and life. This is a scary thing. What is even scarier is when you find yourself callused to recognizing sin. And that is all that happens. You recognize it, and thats it, noting more. Not throwing yourself at the foot of a holy God seeking for Him to renew your heart, to restore unto you the joy of salvation, beseeching Him not to take His Spirit from you. Nothing. Simply a lazy and cold acknowledgement and then ....


This is how I have been lately, and honestly its terrifying. It is not a place to find yourself. Its a dangerous place and a dark place. Its a place, as Spurgeon describes it, "Can we, when we are reminded of our sins, and their exceeding sinfulness, remain stolid and stubborn? ... May we never take a dry-eyed look at sin, lest ere long we have a tongue parched in the flames of hell. ... To think that we have offended so kind and good a Lord is more than sufficient reason for being constant weepers. Lord, smite our rocky hearts, and make the waters flow!" That is terrifying.


What gets me, is that I know all the answers. I know the Bible, I know the words of Christ, the greatness of sin and its consequences, the warnings in Scripture to the believer who treads down the path of sin. I know 2 Peter 1 and 1st John. I know Christ's own words about the fruitful and fruitless tree, of the freshwater spring and saltwater springs! But, victory seems so far away. It is like a distant dream mocking me, hissing in laughter with each failed attempt to walk in righteousness.


I whole-heartedly agree with Henry as he says, "May we be led to consider sin as the cause of all our calamities..." And "so it must be with our sins - they are all doomed, not one must be preserved. Our darling sin must die. Spare it not for its much crying. Strike, though it be as dear as Isaac. Strike, for God struck at sin when it was laid upon His own Son. With stern unflinching purpose must you condemn to death that sin which was once the idol of your heart. Do you ask how you are to accomplish this? JESUS WILL BE YOUR POWER. You have grace to overcome sin given in the covenant of grace; you have strength to win the victory in the crusade against inward lusts, because CHRIST JESUS has promised to be with you even unto the end. If you would triumph over darkness, set yourself in the presence of the Sun of Righteousness. There is no place so well adapted for the discovery of sin, and recovery from its power and guilt, as the immediate presence of God" (Sprugeon).


As Henry finishes stating,"... and under trials exercise submission, repentance, faith, and prayer, with the hop of promised deliverance through God's mercy." ... O, if you could only know how deeply I long for this to be true, if you could only know how willing I am to die if only to receive this, if to experience a true, long lasting penitent heart and victory over the inward lusts!!!


As things stand now, my heart rings true with King David's words, "When I kept silent about my sin, my body wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night, Your hand was heavy upon me; my vitality was drained away as with the fever heat of summer."


How I long to truthfully say with him, "How blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered! How blessed is the man to whom the LORD does not impute inquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit! ... I acknowledged my sin to You, and my iniquity I did not hide; I said, 'I will confess my transgression tot he LORD,' and You forgave the guilt of my sin!" (Ps 32:1-5)


I guess I am left to confront the reality of God's truth. He says, "Do not be deceived; God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature he will reap destruction. The one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life." (Gal 6:7-8)


So then, back to my first statement, "When its bad enough, I believe." This thought has been a good thought all day. There are glimmers of hope in the length of this statement. I do believe. And I do thrust that Christ is my only answer! O that I will trust Him!


O Christ, come to me and renew within me a right spirit! Clean my heart, entirely! Make me steadfast, in my spirit, and in all my ways! Spirit come and reside and don't leave me! Make your joy complete in me, the joy of salvation, and thus make me willing to obey in complete submission!