an undisciplined whore ... really.

I write this post as I am listening to Derek Webb’s she must & shall go free album, and currently its playing the song wedding dress ... and is aiding in my thought process of what happened yesterday in my life

Please know, I write posts like this one with a heavy heart, at times using this as a media to delay going before the Lord.

Yesterday held such promise, such hope and joy to behold and take in like a wide-eyed child at an amusement park! There were promises of great communion, great fellowship and worship, of love and honor unto the Lord ... but for the results of such promises and hopes, travel to Saturday night is required.... 

To say the least, Saturday was a good day, a slow day but a good one (& cold) ... I went shooting with some friends, afterward splitting ways & I headed home. 

I don’t know when it started, but all that lead to Sunday, flowed straight out of Saturday night ... but after my roommate and I had dinner ... venison burgers with sausage (not deer) on the side, and with thick cut bacon on top with onions and tomatoes ... it was a delight, and as I sat there looking at the meat to be grilled, and to fill our stomachs ... I was blown out away at how the Lord provides ... and we stopped right there are praise the name of Jesus with an overflowing grateful heart for the food he had provided by way of my killing that deer we were grilling ...

Then lo & behold, after dinner ... apparently a prime time for the enemy to victoriously sneak attack innocent, unknowingly and unprepared prey ... such as myself. you see, my roommate has some high school football conf. in Nashville, that he left really early Sunday morning for ... so he went to bed very early, nearly right after we ate... and having just ate, I was full and ready for a hibernatory nap ... at least for a while. I think I fell asleep briefly, but I know I was back awake by 10 pm. at which point I thought about going to bed ... and that was the point of descent ... because I at that point, instead of preparing faithfully for the Lord's day by resting well enough to be up and awake on Sunday morning, I stayed plopped on the couch like a slug until late ... wandering up and down the channel selection for hours, aimlessly, looking for something to please me ... and interest me ... I don’t recall that I found anything of any value ....

At some point in time I went to bed. And there another turning point occurred ... I deliberately turned off my alarm.... so I would sleep late and not attend church ... for which I have honestly no good reason, I was tired, just being lazy and slacking in discipline.... 

but, by the Lord's grace, I awoke with no alarm at 8:14 am ... an hour before church started, yet, I only got up, visited the bathroom briefly, and crawled worthlessly back into bed, noting the time thinking I would just get up for the service ... no. I didn’t wake back up 'til 10:52 am ... or somewhere around there ... not showered, hungry and unmotivated ... complacent enough to not care that I missed church simply because I wanted to miss it ... consider James one in light of how (even Saturday night) the sin crept in and laid waste to my spirit, so my being would follow the flesh's desires... 

but it ends not there ... whenever I finally did awake for good ... I ate briefly, then what did I do? I didn’t start cleaning like I needed to ... or working on school stuff ... like I promised myself I would ... what did I do? Nothing other than literally lay on the couch again for the rest of the day, minus a few minutes here or there to visit the bathroom again or get some more food to snack on... 

And by the end of it all ... I awoke at 4:53 am this morning to crawl into bed and sleep until sun up... 

So, all this talk about discipline ... is a lot of talk, with little action to follow it recently...! Yesterday, I truly whored myself out to a determined choice of undisciplined...